Day 20: Amsterdam
Woke up at 7 today, and had breakfast, but it
turns out that we didn't have to be anywhere until 11, so everyone
went back to bed (we all had crazy long nights last night).
I couldn't sleep, so I went up to visit Stace, and we went for
a little walk. I miss our walks :( We
went downstairs, grabbed a map, and just got lost. We went past
the Van Gogh museum, and into it's gift shop and searched for
some gift ideas. We walked through a beautiful park, and it
seemed like no one else was up yet... it was such a beautiful
morning. Finding our way back was a bit hard, but we spotted
a little crane thingy that we had seen as we were leaving and
found our way back to the hostel. At 11, we all took off for
the canal bikes, which was really fun. It was me, Stace, Danny
and Andy, we were all kinda pathetic cause we couldn't even
steer the things straight, and got passed by like 2-3 other
paddleboat groups. There's only two rules to canal bikes, keep
on the right, and anything bigger than you (pretty much everything)
had the right of way, pretty simple eh? and yet we still had
some problems, and we were crazy slow too! We ended up at Anne
Frank's house, and it was really sad and depressing, but I think
it was presented very well. A definite must when you go to Amsterdam.
We had a pizza lunch, and then broke off from the bros to do
some shopping. (They took off to go check out the Van Gogh museum).
I got myself an England jumper for 40 euros, and Stace
got a lil matching Soviet Union one. Walking back, we just enjoyed
the scenery and the people, it was so amazing. I'm so glad that
I had Stacey to share it all with, I really don't know what
I'm to do without her. Meeting everyone else back at the hostel
at 5, we went on our canal cruise through Amsterdam. Two drinks,
great people, beautiful sights, and no peddling. We all could
sense the end coming, I really should talk to
Stace about our situation...
Hopping on the tram, we went to this cheesey Chinese
dinner where the food sucked. It was a good experience though,
dining with all of my friends, and hearing Danny's Birthday
speech and all. Definitely wouldn't have missed it for the world.
But the sadness was starting to kick in again. The whole day
today, I was just thinking about Stacey, and all the what if's
and what to do's... all the things you're suppose to ask when
you feel so much for someone, but the kicker in our situation
was that we would be leaving each other in a few short days.
This is where it all started going down
hill. During our dinner, this guy came in with a whole
bunch of roses, and he started going round to all of our tables.
He came to our table second, and I passed on the opportunity
to get Stace a rose. I didn't think it was a big deal, and I
don't think she did either. The thing is, I would have gotten
her a rose, and I wanted to, but all I had was a fifty euro
note, and last thing I wanted to do was give this guy such a
large note. Looking back on it all, I
realized that I could have simply borrowed a couple of euros
from Danny, but like I said, hindsight is always 20/20. No
one else at our table got roses, so he moved on, and as soon
as he did, everyone started giving me hell. Heh, as if I wasn't
feeling bad enough already? "Why didn't you get Stace a
rose?" and then there was the "You guy's haven't even
been together for a month and he's already stopped being a gentleman."
And this went on for pretty much the rest of the night... the
guy actually came around to our table a second time, and a whole
bunch of people got some roses then, only making me feel worse.
This whole thing still pisses me off, I mean, how could something
so small, be blown up so big? I don't know... I guess what really
disappointed me was how I was getting it from everyone, and
wasn't getting any help from Stace. God I hate
peddlers.
Walking back from the restaurant, I completely
avoided Stace. Kate, Gabey and Vee were all staying in Amsterdam
and not coming back to London with us, so I was talking to them
about their plans and how they liked their trip. (KATE!
You gotta tell me the name of that movie we were talking about...
something sun, with Ethan Hawke? Nevermind... just amazoned
it, and got before sunrise, It'll give me something
to do while I'm missing Stace). I don't
think Stace noticed I was gone till we got off the tram and
were halfway back to the hostel. I guess it gave me a chance
to stew in my current situation, and to realize, that maybe
I really should start putting some space between me and her.
I mean, no point in prolonging the inevitable eh?
Getting back to the hostel, I told Stace that
I needed to go upt o my room, and that I'd meet her in the bar
in twenty minutes. Heading up to the room with Danny and Andy,
I just let loose with all that was on my mind. I had to talk
to someone, and the bros were as close to family as I had. After
explaining my situation to them, and having them tell me that
everything would be alright, which oddly enough helped a lot,
the three of us downed a whole bottle of wine Andy had bought
at the winetasting a few days ago. (Isn't
this what alcoholics do? Drink to forget? Oh crap...) Heh,
it was good seeing Danny drinking again :) About an hour after
we'd gotten back (we all packed so we wouldn't have to bother
in the morning), and 40 minutes after I should have gone down
to meet Stacey, I trudged downstairs, still unclear about what
I should do.
Downstairs, Stace and everyone
had already started drinking, so I bought us a couple of drinks,
and we started another night of partying... our last.
Honestly, I wasn't really
into it. I was sad. I really couldn't stop thinking about Stace.
I was scared, and so I started pushing her away. I guess you
can chalk it up to my inexperience with girls/relationships,
but whatever it was, I know that tonight was the worst of my
trip (and I totally regret it now too,
I wasted a whole night with Stace, such an idiot!). I
was stressing way too much, but this was my VACATION! And I
could have swore that there was a rule somewhere that prohibited
stressing on vacations. But there I was, with a million things
on my mind when I should have been enjoying my last night with
everyone. It seemed like Stace was more interested in partying
it up with everyone else rather then spending time with me,
but how could I blame her, I mean, this was what I wanted
right? I spent most of the night on my ass on a seat over
by the walls, just watching, and thinking, and every few minutes
she'd wave, or wink, and my heart would skip a beat. For those
brief moments I would regain my sanity, and realize that I loved
this girl, and that I was making a huge mistake by not being
with her right now (not just physically,
but mentally too). Those moments didn't
last too long though, I'd try getting up and dancing some, but
I just wasn't into it. At around midnight, everyone decided
to go to Teasers (a club where the girls where realy short skirts)
and I reluctantly went along. There was nothing I would have
loved more than to have crawled into bed and just slept, but
a part of me felt like I needed to go to watch over Stace, to
be there just in case she needed me, and another part of me
knew that I'd regret it if I didn't, that this could/would be
the breaking point of our relationship.
Damn,
I felt awful... The alcohol was taking effect and my stomach/liver
was churning. The whole trip/ride to the club, Stace was always
way out in front of the pack, while I was bringing up the rear,
I don't think she even said a word to me. We ended up at a different
club, but we were told it was closed for a school party, so
we went to the club next door and paid 2 euros each to get in.
The place was nice, but what was up with all the gay guys? I
think Chauntel led us to a gay club :X Stace got inside before
me, and it turned out that I didn't have 2 euros on me. Why
the hell do ATM's give you such large notes? I mean, first the
roses, and now cover... I hope they didn't charge to use the
bathrooms. Luckily Ray and Christie were in back with me, and
were able to front me the money to get in. Finally getting inside,
it turns out that Stace was looking for me, which I admit, made
me feel a bit better. I got us a couple of Coronas, but it seemed
like be both had problems getting them down... I guess all that
we've been drinking has finally started to kick in. The dancing
started, and I again went back into sulking mode in my little
corner. Stacey wasn't paying any attention to me :(
Everytime I saw a guy close in on her though, I was up and dancing
again. Funny how that works eh? What was really funny though,
was that Danny was doing the same thing, with all the other
girls. He was putting himself in between all the seedy guys
and our group, hope you girls noticed ;) We left at around 1:30
in the morning and walked back to the McDonalds that we had
passed on our way there. Getting a bite to eat, our group split
up into two... and I kind of sat with the group that Stace wasn't
in. I don't think she cared. We caught a cab back home, and
I walked Stace up to her room, and gave her a quick peck good
night, and that was that. I kept sulking all through the night
tho... I was so miserable. I dunno, I'm blowing everything way
out of proportion. I just need to stop thinking.
I hated this day. I took
me almost a week to relive it all, and write it down here. I
tried to tone down my frustration and stupidity a bit so you
guys wouldn't think I'm a psycho or anything, but I think it
still kinda shows... lol. No fear though, I think this is the
point in the story where the Happy Ending begins :)
Day 20 Photos
